Do you guys have any clue what you're doing sometimes?
Okay, that probably sounds a bit confrontational but I'm being serious here. If you like a girl, tell her you like her, be honest with her about your concerns, talk through things like rational adults, don't simply sit on the sidelines lying about your feelings, thoughts, dreams, hopes, etc... And when you do admit you like someone, realize you have already done the hard part! Admitting the way you feel for a woman must be terrifying, especially if the woman has made no indication to you of how she feels, but any woman worth having will react to you lovingly, no matter what her feelings are... I know I would, and I'd rather know up front what someone's thoughts and concerns are rather than sitting around not knowing or worse, knowing there is an interest but that it's not being acted on because of fear that hasn't been admitted or an insecurity that can be dealt with through conversation or soul searching.
No, not every relationship or attraction will turn into a forever thing, but guys, seriously here, grow up and admit things when you feel them, women are no better at mindreading than men are unless the man is being painfully obvious... and even then there are some things that are not understood (underlying motives more than anything).
No, this isn't directed at any one person, it's not directed at any particular incident or anything else... it's just I'm noticing that guys that I consider to be in my "potential" category are typically geeky, shy, insecure males aged 32-42 who don't want to admit things... you can do it guys... really, you can!
Hugs & Love
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
12 comments:
Oh. Nooooooo. This doesn't sound personal at all. LOL I saw a christian doctor on TBN once talk about stress and how most of it is caused in our lives because we attempt to enforce unenforcable rules on others. Now..just hear me out. We all have within ourselves governing standards which we use to measure our behavior but also use to measure the behavior of others. These can become unenforcable rules. You can't use your emotional well being as the plumb line for someone else's dysfunction. It just doesn't work. If you really want to see change in another person...the only right you have to get that ball rolling is to pray that they become more like Jesus. It's not even right to pray they become what you want them to be...only like Jesus. I have to remind myself of this often.
Easier said than done. You are not the one whose job it is to step out and say "I like you", only in an appropriate way, time, and place that will hopefully garner the right answer.
Sometimes, men do completely fail, and in your experience, yes. With others, it is something we like to get right the first time. Not to mention the rather neutering atmosphere Christian culture tends to have towards singles trying to find relationships.
Joanne, no, it wasn't personal, wasn't directed at anyone either... it was an observation... guess that's what I get for being attracted to smart guys whose social skills are lacking because they're too busy keeping their nose in a book!
David hit more on what I was trying to say, and I can see how nerve wracking it can be to go up to someone and admit feelings for them... heck, I have trouble admitting it sometimes and I have been the one to tell someone how I feel (although to be honest, nothing tends to come from that because of the whole man needs to pursue/ woman needs to be pursued thing).
You're right though, Christian culture does tend to smack you in the face with singleness, and if you are looking/dating when you are divorced... geesh! Sorry, that's been my experience also.
Oh, there's nothing wrong with being single. But dating? Oh my. We Christians are terrible gossips. Perhaps worse than the supermarket tabloid because we think ourselves to be righteous as we do it.
And sometimes we men just need to be hit with a cluebat to grasp that hints from a girl that she might like us actually do mean that and that she would welcome being told "I like you". It is very easy for us to rationalize things and decide that friendly overtures from a girl are just how she relates to people and not a sign that feelings of attraction are mutual. And in a church/singles group environment, some interactions that are purely friendly may be interpreted wrongly as showing interest, and guys don't want to be wrong and then be embarrassed that they were wrong. Plus we're supposed to regard women as our "sisters in Christ" and treat them as such, so it can be weird when you think you are interested in someone - "but she's my sister, and this ain't Arkansas" :)
Oh, and David is definitely right about that gossip thing - some times I feel like, when it comes to Relationships, the church is more like 8th grade than a group of adults in wanting to know what is happening between people A and B....
- Patrick
Patrick, you're right, the church does tend to have an 8th grade mentality on relationships... I've been pegged as dating Rob for almost a year now just because he's a good friend.
I also know what you mean about the "sister in Christ" thing... in general, if I'm interested in someone who is my "brother in Christ" (and they're the only ones I SHOULD be interested in) I just can't refer to them as my brother very easily, it doesn't work well in my mind.
Some friendly and practical tips for both you and David though... if you like a girl, GET TO KNOW HER! Find out what she likes, if she reads, if she cooks (hey, you could find yourself with a good meal if nothing else!), I know for a fact that I'm the type of girl who wants a friendship and to know if a guy fits my "must have" list or not (don't panic, my must haves are simple, he must love God and be saved, he must be willing to be a spiritual head of family, and unfortunately for me, he must love kids and be willing to accept that I come with three) beyond that, just about everything is fluff... not that I don't mind the idea of tall dark and handsome, but still...
Another thing, make it at least somewhat obvious that you are trying to get to know her. There is nothing wrong with going to dinner or out for coffee with a friend to get to know them better. There is nothing wrong with inviting her to IV (David) or dancing (Patrick), and there is nothing wrong with sending her emails, calling her on a more frequent basis, etc... usually the better you get to know a person the better of an idea you can have about if they like you or not, if they always shy away, chances are good they're not interested, but if you tell her she looks nice in a blouse she's wearing and she blushes... you might just be on to something!
Hugs to both of you guys... feel free to cash in on them whenever you wish!
Heh, yeah, the whole "Sister in Christ" thing gets kinda awkward :D
My life is like the Eagle's song that they play on the radio all the time:
"I got SEEEVEN women on my mind..."
Sometimes I wish God made girls really obvious, like they put off some easily detected pheremone or turn green when they like you, or something like that. Life would be so much easier!
It's not much easier for women in these circles, though. I had a friend I spent months with. Every night after work he'd come to pick me up and we'd hang out. We went many different places. Sometimes we'd just sit by a lake and talk. Then one day he asked another girl out. Talk about confusing! I was completely devestated. I was feeling that since we could spend every evening together, pray together, worship together, talk for hours...maybe he was "the one". Things were never the same between us. After finding out I was upset he came to the lake (someone told him I was there) and things were very uncomfortable but in exasperation he said something like "you know I love you". And then he left. What did that mean? He only dated the other girl for a couple weeks but things were never the same for us. I'll never know if he loved me as more than a friend because now we're both married and it's inapropriate to ask...and wouldn't change anything other than giving me some closure. So...I feel for you guys, but we also have difficulties when it comes to feeling free to speak the truth about feelings.
I don't think I could do things that intimate with a woman and not love her enough to go out with her.
Oh yeah Joanne, I know that one all too well also! We're treated well, all the signs are there that the guy likes us, then WHAM dating someone else... or another version, you get the guts up to ask about feelings, hear "just friends" decide to date someone else rather than pining away just to have it become clear that they were just too shy or insecure to act on their feelings and then they feel betrayed... even though they weren't honest with you in the first place!
Why can't relationships be easier? We're all created to have relationships on at least some level, so why can't we all figure out how to have the relationships we want and need?
Why if you made a mistake at some point, made a decision to date someone and it wasn't right, didn't work out, etc... does the other person feel hurt, not learn from the mistake the first time around, give you enough time to recover from the mistake, and then ask you out and possibly end up with the person that he/she ultimately wanted to be with in the first place?
*sigh* no wonder there are so many single people in this world who don't want to be single!
I think what Joanne is talking about seems like what I had emailed you about, Snoyarc. I like one person, and one comment from another shifts things.
It's almost like the playful banter of a shallow relationship outshines the closeness of the deep ones, distracting us from thinking that what we're in is good.
All relationships seem to start on that fun, shallow level, and I think that sometimes we mistake all of that fun stuff for a functional relationship.
If I got into a relationship with the girl I wanted, I think things would be totally different than what I see now, because I would know her more intimitely, and go beyond the face that she puts up during social occasions. At the same time, one of the things that makes me like her is that she has admitted to me that sometimes she doesn't have the energy to socialize, and (occasionaly!) takes the mask off...that is attractive to me, because I want to like the person BEHIND the mask. And the only way I'll know is if she takes it down...and if she does, then it's a sign that she is the right person, first because she is willing to take that mask off for me (which means she wants me to really know her), and because I like people who are as (appropriately) open and honest about themselves as I try to be.
This is why it is also so hard to tell girls what you feel; because they always seem to be surrounded by companions or in social settings where the answer wouldn't come out the way she really felt due to the surroundings. Getting a girl to take the mask off in a social setting is next to impossible. How common are there opportunities to get her alone and say what you feel? Not too many. Especially when she travels over an hour to come where you are, for the explicit purpose of being social.
Yes David, I think what Joanne is talking about is very similar to what you were telling me, but I wasn't going to post that.
I've personally never understood the whole social performance thing. I don't like putting up a front, so I don't. If I give a hug (which all of you know I do on a regular basis) it's because I genuinely want to give a hug. If I don't, I'm probably not in the mood to hug someone... I'm also honest about how I feel, and sometimes downright blunt about it. And the fact that I'm a natural born flirt and make everyone think I'm interested kinda doesn't make life any easier... makes everyone think I'm a tease... I don't think I flirt though, I think I'm just being friendly...
I've also gotten to a point where I don't think about being interested in anyone unless they express an interest in me... that's got to make it harder on guys, but I don't exactly have them beating down my door either. I'm too much of a plain jane for that to happen! I know, that's not true, I'm a beautiful woman, I just am not anyone's ideal... but I'm God's child, and believe it or not, I'm happy just being God's child... most of the time... I am still human after all!
Post a Comment