Today is just one of those down in the dumps days for me, a misunderstanding with a friend, a mistake that makes me feel horrible, and a longing so great that I cry out to God about it almost every day... below you'll read some of what I cry about, my longing, my questions for God...
I feel so unlovable, who wants a second hand woman, and one who can't bear children anymore at that? Who wants a former slut who abused herself in ways physically, emotionally and sexually that people don't even know about? Who wants a woman who comes with 3 kids and an ex husband? Who wants a woman who has chronic pain, is on medications that are as bad as the condition (if not worse) and has no cure? I don't even want my life some days... why would any man look past those obvious "flaws" to get to know the real me and decide to love me anyway and take on those things as his own issues when he really doesn't have to? How can God put any value on me and promise me the desires of my heart when there aren't any men out there who can really love me and accept me and be that desire I have for a husband, a helper, a man to share the best and worst of times and stick to each other while leaning on God together? Does a man really exist who can love me, warts and all, accept my children and help me raise them, and not worry about anything in my past?
For whatever reason, God has me wired to really long for a husband. I don't feel I NEED one, but I really, really want one. Yet everything I typed above looms over my head every time I dare to hope that someone will love me, that God will bring that special man into my life. The realist in me says that I've lost my chance, the handful of people who have gotten to know me, even just as friends, have told me that they couldn't handle raising someone else's children, or that they couldn't handle my health (or rather seeing the pain when it gets bad)... both things I understand. I feel as though I'm being punished on a daily basis, through loneliness, because of the actions of my ex-husband that led to me being a divorced mom... no fault of my own other than my poor health which he wouldn't allow me to get treatment since it was experimental at the time. I even tried for 3 years to give him a chance to turn around before giving up on him! But because of it, I'm probably going to grow old alone, all the while my heart longs for a husband because that's how God has wired me...
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5 comments:
As a single guy with his own set of issues and baggage, I can understand and sympathize.
Interesting blog post from a blog I check frequently, with link to an article I haven't read yet...
http://www.dawneden.com/2007/07/quote-of-day_10.html
- Patrick
Okay, I went to that site, if I gave the impression that my longing consumes my life, I'm sorry... it really doesn't. Most of the time, I'm happy but alone... you just can't get that intellectual stimulation from a 7 year old that you can get from an adult (or at least, an adult who has an IQ worth mentioning).
I had gotten into a discussion with someone (no one that even reads this blog... that I'm aware of) and he insisted that the only way I'll be satisfied is if I go out, have sex with anyone willing, and party hearty because no one will accept all of me the way I am... but I'm not willing to bend on some things. I don't mind a man coming with baggage, anyone who says they don't have any is lying anyway! I just want to have someone to love while being loved in return, to have someone to work WITH instead of for (when you're a single parent of 3... you work FOR the kids, rarely, if ever, is there something for yourself in life)
I don't think there is anything wrong with being single... often I think it's a good thing... but at the same time, God created us to need people, to need each other... for me that just extends to the longing for a spouse.
So, as a single guy with issues and baggage... why aren't guys more understanding about what life throws at women even if they aren't going to get their "ideal" when they could ultimately get something far better than they expected? I know I'm far better than what most men expect... they just won't look past things that were thrust upon me to see it.
Sorry for rambling... but this topic really gets to me... are you an anonymous patrick or one that I actually know?
I think part of it has to do with understanding and experience. A guy with no experience with the sort of life that you've had is going to have a hard time identifying with what is going on, and also may feel "outclassed" due to your knowledge about stuff.
It's kind of like a grown woman dating an 18 year old kid. I mean, sure, it's legal and all, but there is such a disparity in their points in life. Not saying that you are trying to rob the cradle or anything like that, the example was just exaggerated to illustrate something. People could be the same age, but still be in different points of life. My dad hasn't even gotten into "career preparetion" (the level I'm at) and he's more than twice my age...
Can a person at one level in life exist with another who's so way ahead? I think it's a pretty overwhelming step for a single, possibly virgin, guy with no hefty baggage to skip all these steps in life that he would naturally want. If he loves you enough to do that, God bless him. But it is a huge sacrifice for a man to make, especially if he's in his 20's. A guy in his 30's or 40's I could see skipping that, but a young man, no.
It could be that the people or person who you are having this problem with is struggling with laying these dreams down. One of the hardest things I ever did was lay my dreams at God's feet. It is a terrible thing to take everything you hope and live for, and throw it away for the will of another, even God. Yet, the reward promised is greater than all of these dreams. It requires a near herculean feat of faith for a man, who is made to be in control of his life and the direction he goes in, to do this.
This is actually not directed at any one person David, there have been the older than I am virgins in the mix (and I gotta give them credit for that, I really admire them for being able to remain virgins that long!) and there have been those who ARE at the same stage in life, also divorced, also with children...
I'm often reminded of something I was told during my pre-marital counseling... "If you wait until everything is perfect, you'll never accomplish anything." The same thought is echoed in a song we sing at church "if you tarry, till it's better, you will never come at all"... goes for so many things in life too!
HUGS
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