History of the 2007 War on Mold and Mildew

History of the 2007 War on Mold and Mildew
by: Alice Maer


In the August heat, on the hottest day of summer, the compressor in the air conditioner broke. The day before, the downstairs neighbors moved out. We were without a cooling system and living in a 3rd floor apartment. The war has begun.

Our first sign of trouble was condensation on the kitchen floor, not just a light mist, but puddles so large that they would soak your entire foot. The children thought this was fun, splashing in puddles in the kitchen, but I knew better, I knew this was a breeding ground for the worst enemies any apartment has ever known, mildew and mold. Oh the kitchen was safe enough; they have windows to help dry the air and floor, but the bathrooms, oh the poor bathrooms! The hall bathroom sustained only minor injury, easily repaired by the maintenance crew, but the master bath, completely enclosed and isolated from any semblance of air circulation; it did not stand a chance against this evil. The maintenance crew came and scrubbed the mold and mildew until the walls were faded to a light pink color… but you could see that the little buggers were still alive and waiting for the next opportunity to strike.

Late in October, the weather became warm again, short sleeves, humid air, everything was perfect for this monster to once again assert itself. The walls, the ceiling, the shower… all covered in a blanket made of mold and mildew after three short days of humidity. They struck for the second time and this time it was personal. I called for reinforcements, Joe, ever ready with a bottle of bleach, a sponge, and gloves approached the bathroom with a warrior’s pride. He strode in with a ladder, scrubbed every possible surface of the bathroom, and managed in 3 hours to remove about a quarter of the offensive scum from the ceiling. The rest remained because our might warrior was tired and needed a much deserved rest.

Time was dragging by, the proud mold and mildew regrouping where the mighty warrior Joe had once devastated their population. We did not concede defeat; never will we allow the mold and mildew bullies to win this war against us! A new plan of attack was formed, and late in November, the mighty Rachel approached for round one with a bottle of chemical warfare in hand. She heartily sprayed every centimeter of mold and mildew infested walls and ceiling with the chemical whose purpose was to remove all signs of their existence. After her first attack, she realized the advantage the mold has over her, they can not smell the chemical warfare, nor can they breathe it in, but it is toxic to them, and soon they will run away, crying for mercy. A few hours later, Rachel the brave enters, armed once again with the chemical weapon for a fresh attack. She sprayed the entire bathroom once more, trying to save the rapidly infected room from total demise. The folly in her plan was soon realized as she started to cough and wheeze, the chemicals were hurting her! She ran for the relief of fresh air, and had to use an inhaler to restore her breathing to normal levels. Upon her retreat she noticed a significant withdrawal in numbers on the mold and mildew side of the war, one or two attacks more and this war will be won, the bathroom saved, and mold and mildew defeated until the next air-conditioning system failure next summer. The call is out, for a mighty warrior to come to the aid of this bathroom, to save Rachel the Brave’s lungs from total ruin during her attempt to decimate the stubborn mold and mildew so ruthlessly attacking her abode. Is there a warrior out there willing to fight this battle and help bring us to victory?

Time is running short, the enemy is approaching, I must send this now and hope for our Knight to come to us and rescue us from this danger. Please, come quickly!